How could she be doing this?
Advice by Jamilah Lemieux
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My sweet parents are in their mid-70s, and my sister has always been an enormous strain on them emotionally and financially. Her husband is in prison, and she and her energetic 8-year-old son recently moved in with them after getting evicted. They also helped raise (and had custody of at one point after an overdose) her daughter, now 26. I recently found out something about the dynamic between my parents and sister that broke my heart.
They’ve been paying my sister’s rent and car insurance almost all of her adulthood, and it pains me to think how much retirement savings they’ve lost because of that. She has zero executive functioning skills and feels entitled to their money and care. They do so much for her and her children, bailing her out through many irresponsible fumbles over the years (drug use, tickets, accidents, unpaid bills, moving/eviction, etc.) and pay for all kinds of things to ensure the kids have a good, as-normal-as-possible life.
She doesn’t even treat them with respect, but they can’t turn their back on her because she’s their child and for fear of what would happen to her son if they weren’t there for him. But the stress of caring for her and her active, young child is taking a huge toll on them as they age, creating anger, resentment, and depression.
If this weren’t bad enough, her husband stealing from relatives 20 years ago caused a rift that has never been repaired (some relatives began completely excluding my family and refusing to talk to us), an additional source of agony for my parents. We have had many conversations, as well as them seeing a therapist about it, but we can’t figure out what to do. This can’t be how they spend the rest of their lives. Please help.
—Twisted Sister
Dear Twisted,
This is truly an unfortunate situation that doesn’t have a simple resolution. Like you said, your parents are unlikely to turn their backs on your sister, out of concern for both her and her son.
You’ve already had “many” talks with them about it, which means they probably know where you stand with regards to supporting her, and it wouldn’t do you or them much good for you to keep beating that drum.
Folks who struggle as your sister has are not necessarily bad people. That isn’t to excuse her for not treating your parents respectfully, but to encourage you to consider that there may be reasons for her inability to function as a self-sufficient adult that you aren’t aware of. She may be dealing with mental illness or emotional problems that impact the way she operates in the world. It may be difficult, considering how you feel about her reliance upon your parents, but try to have some empathy for her and for your parents.
I think the best thing for you to do would be to try and reason with your sister about the way she interacts with your parents. Remind her that they have gone above and beyond to try and help her, and her child, and that they are more than worthy of her respect. Ask her to please consider the significant sacrifices they have made on her behalf and that at their age, they don’t need the stress of her attitude. Don’t attack your sister, reason with her. Speak with empathy and concern.
That isn’t to say you shouldn’t address your parents at all, I just don’t think it’s worth it to you to try and dissuade them from helping your sister out. What you can do is to encourage them to set some sort of boundaries with her and for them not to give until it hurts. Suggest that they set some standards for her behavior, as well as expectations for her to contribute to their household and to prove that she is willing to carry some of the weight of maintaining her family on her own.
—Jamilah
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